The Survival Strategy
Hi. To anyone who has found this corner of the internet, welcome ◡̈
I am starting this blog to document my healing journey that is over 21 years in the making. When I was a pre-teen, I thought I might like girls. But it wasn’t until I was a teenager, that I fully I realized and was able to admit to myself that I was a lesbian. What followed is a blur, but as I sit here in my 30s, I’m realizing that "blur" wasn't an accident. It was a survival strategy.
Body is bible
Slowly, and without me even realizing it was happening, between the time I was a pre-teen until fully realizing my sexual preference, I started picking up the heavy signals from society that this was not okay. My body started reacting to a hidden threat that I couldn’t place. The physical reaction was overwhelming. I was shaking. At random points, walking down the halls of my high school. I couldn't function in front of my peers, especially cute girls.
At the time, there was no explanation.
John Bradshaw, in Healing the Shame that Binds You, talks about how toxic shame isn't about what you do; it’s about the belief that you are flawed. My shaking wasn't just "anxiety." It was the physical manifestation of a "shame bind." My body was trying to process the social pressure to stay hidden—the realization that the world wasn't built to protect me.
Muted from the meds
To survive, I asked my doctor for help. I needed a way to stop the shaking so I could play the role I was assigned. I needed to function in classrooms, land high-paying jobs, and pass as "normal." I was immediately prescribed a daily SSRI.
The medication worked. It numbed the tremors. It allowed me to build a professional life and a "False Self" that the world accepted. But at what cost?
For over a decade, I lived in a chemical middle-ground. I was “crushing life”, and without a boyfriend to distract me, I explored many different hobbies. I moved cities and became extremely strong at making new friends. Gifted at it. I could land and maintain difficult jobs because the stress was easier to endure on the meds.
But seemingly out of nowhere, my confidence started to decline. I started to question things I did. Why was my identity so closely tied to my career? Why don’t I feel good in any of my clothes? I didn't know my own preferences because my "internal compass" had been quieted for way. too. long. And I needed to get reacquainted with the real me.
The "Gay Science" of numbing
I realize now that I am not alone in this. Pretty much all of my queer female friends are on some type of SSRI or anti-depressant. There is a joke in the community—popularized by creators like those in the "Gay Science" series—that if lesbians had their own country, Zoloft dispensers would be on every street corner (check out @heartthrobanderson).
While this joke slaps, the stats are actually quite alarming. Queer women are navigating a unique "minority stress" that the general population rarely understands.
The statistics are staggering. Sexual Minority Women (SMW) experience stress and depression at rates 50% higher than heterosexual women. We are the largest demographic turning to these medications, likely because the intersection of being a woman and being gay carries a double-weight of shame and social expectation (Harvard study).
Estimated Antidepressant Use by group:
All Men~7.4%
All Women~15.3%
LGBTQ+ Adults~25% – 35%
Gay/Bisexual Women~30% – 45%
Integration
I was on my antidepressants for a total of 12+ years. After multiple failed attempts, I have almost tapered off my medication completely. As the "numbness" fades, the emotions are slowly coming back. I’ve cried a lot, and had realizations I didn't even know I had buried.
While the medication helped me survive my 20s, I’m fighting to reclaim the parts of myself it shoved down. I have forgiven myself because I was doing what was required for my survival, but now it’s my responsibility to realize my own self-actualization.
I’m not only tired of the "False Self" facade I’ve been playing, but I realize it can no longer serve me. It’s actively hurting me and my self confidence. I need to find who I was before I silenced her, and fully embrace who I’ve become.
Thanks for joining me as I become whole again.
